


And I've Tried And Tried

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-25
Updated: 2007-02-25
Packaged: 2019-05-31 07:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15114710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: He did not want to beat her up; she really had been through a lot.  They were all adjusting to the new life ahead of them.





	And I've Tried And Tried

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  
Author's notes: I tried to stay away from this series but this song brought me back. I could not help hearing it and immediately thinking of this time in the McGarry's marriage. I never like to end a series on a downer note so there will be at least one more to clear the air after this. The song she is playing on repeat is Listen by Beyonce from the Dreamgirls soundtrack.  


* * *

Listen, to the song here in my heart  
A melody I start but can't complete  
Listen, mmm mmm, to the sound from deep within  
It’s only beginning to find release  
Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard  
They will not be pushed aside or turned  
Into your own…all cuz you won't LISTEN.

 

“This is Agent Spiegel. Agent Grayson, I need to see you at Station 2 please.”

“Is this an emergency Spiegel? We’re on ground check.”

“What's the soonest you can get here sir?”

“15 minutes.”

“That’s fine sir. Thank you.”

“Thank you Spiegel.”

Sylvie took a deep breath and tried not to zone out. That was not exactly the best thing to do in her line of work, but this was about survival. She was on her post across for the McGarry den. The doors were closed. She had a view of the dining room, most of the kitchen, and parts of the sitting room to the left of her.

“What's happening here Agent?”

Bill came to stand in front of her and immediately heard the music.

 

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads  
I'm not at home in my own home  
And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind  
You should have known  
Oh, now I'm done believin you  
You don’t know what I'm feeling  
I'm more than what you made of me  
I followed the voice you gave to me  
But now I've got to find my own

 

“Sir, the Second Lady has been playing that song on repeat for nearly 2 hours. It is driving me bananas.”

“Is that why you called me over here Sylvie?”

“Sir, I'm going insane. I mean I love Beyonce as much as the next rabid fan but I am losing it. Zoning out is not exactly something I need to be doing in this line of work. I need to have all of my faculties. I would not have called if I didn’t really need you sir.”

Bill nodded. He knew it was true. Sylvie could handle almost anything; it was why he made her number two on his team when CJ McGarry became Second Lady.

“So, what do you want me to do?” he asked.

“Please get her to turn it off. I cannot leave my post and even if I could Mrs. McGarry doesn’t always listen to me. She always listens to you.”

“Not always.” The primary Agent replied.

Sylvie smirked.

“Please try sir. My sanity is on the line. I have two more hours before I am relieved.”

“Alright.” He put his hand on her shoulder. “I will speak to Mrs. McGarry but if she refuses I cannot force her. You will have to deal.”

“Try to get her to turn it down maybe…or use earphones.”

Nodding, Bill knocked on the door.

“Mrs. McGarry? Mrs. McGarry, its Bill. Ma'am, can I please come in?”

 

You should have listened  
There is someone here inside  
Someone I thought I had died so long ago  
Oh, I'm screaming out for my dreams to be heard  
They will not be pushed aside or worked  
Into your own, all cuz you won't listen.

 

There was no answer. He looked at Sylvie.

“Is she in there Spiegel?”

“She could not get out without my seeing her sir. She can only leave from the front or the side. If she were outside I would have gotten the report. Anyway, it’s freezing out there. She has to be in the den.”

“Was she drinking a lot tonight? Did she take any kind of medication?”

“I have not seen her since after dinner with the children. That was at about seven thirty. She did not go up to tuck them in.”

Bill muttered an expletive. He knew for a while that the protectee had been taking Valium to calm her frazzled nerves. He had not seen her take any since her father’s funeral in November, but so much had happened. Transition, that awful book, Inauguration, trying to raise her children and keep her family together in their new home while her husband was halfway around the world. Bill knocked again.

“Mrs. McGarry? Ma'am, please let me in or respond to my voice. Ma'am, I am counting to ten and then breaking the door down. Do you hear me?”

He tried to slide the door back but it she locked it, which he figured. He did not want to break it down.

“Spiegel, check the side door. Tell me if it’s locked.”

She went around and checked, coming back to her boss.

“Its locked sir.”

 

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads  
I'm not at home in my own home  
And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind  
You should have known  
Oh, now I'm done believin you  
You don’t know what I'm feeling  
I'm more than what you made of me  
I followed the voice you gave to me  
But now I've got to find …my own

 

“Great.” Bill breathed in through his nose and out of his mouth. He knocked once more. “Times up ma'am…I'm coming in.”

“What the hell do you want?” CJ opened the door and stared at him. Bill was a bit above her eye level...she could not do the intimidating tall girl routine.

Bill studied her. Her eyes were glassy but she was not unsteady. Definitely intoxicated but not drunk.

“Ma'am, let me in please. I need you to move out of the way.”

“No.”

“I'm afraid that is the wrong answer. Step back Mrs. McGarry. Please.”

Sighing loudly, CJ stepped back. Bill walked into the room and closed the door. CJ plopped down on the couch.

“This seems to be your party, Billy boy. Did you bring the strippers and the cocaine?”

“What's going on ma'am? Do you mind if we turn the music off for a bit?”

“I damn well do mind. I like this song, thank you very much.”

 

I don’t know where I belong  
But I’ll be moving on  
If you don’t…if you won't…

 

“I hear that ma'am. Sylvie tells me you have been playing it for a couple of hours.”

“She’s tattling on me now. Oh my God, she is a tattletale. Damn, that sucks. Looks like I cannot trust a soul.”

“You know that's not true. Sylvie was not tattling…she was concerned. Loud music for an extended period of time with no movement or sounds from the protectee. Are you drunk ma'am?”

“That is none of your damn business!” CJ snapped. "Don't fucking interrogate me Bill! Don't you dare do it!"

“You're right; I'm sorry. I'm just asking a question. I don't want to interrogate you ma'am.”

“I'm allowed to have a drink. I'm not a child Bill. Sometimes you talk to me like a child and it pisses me off.”

Bill apologized again and CJ knew it was sincere. He sat down beside her on the couch.

“What's the matter?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

“Mrs. McGarry, that’s certainly not true. May I please turn the music off? Turn it down perhaps.”

 

Listen, to the song here in my heart  
A melody I start but I will complete  
Oh oh, now I'm done believin you  
You don’t know what I'm feeling  
I'm more than what you made of me  
I followed the voice you think you gave to me  
But now I've got to find my own…  
My own.

 

CJ sighed and turned it down.

“I'm having a bad day.” She said.

“I can see that. Did you talk to the Vice-President today?”

“He is too busy saving the world. He’s really good at that, you know. All the great things he does for complete strangers. They ought to give the man a medal, I swear. I called and left him a voicemail…actually Beyonce left it for him.”

“Ah, I think I see.”

“You don’t see. You don’t know everything Bill. Why are we even talking about this?”

“Have you taken anything, Mrs. McGarry?”

“You bastard. How could you even ask me that Bill? Did he ask you to ask me that? Leo is the drug addict…not me.”

Whoa, that was harsh. Bill was quiet for a little while. He did not want to beat her up; she really had been through a lot. They were all adjusting to the new life ahead of them.

“I don’t think you should be alone tonight ma'am. Should I call Nora or Donna? Do you want me to call Kate?”

“Kate.” CJ said. “I don’t want Kate to hear me like this.”

“She loves you and always wants to be there when you need her. Turn the music off and give her a call. Be Claudia Jean for just a little while.”

CJ sighed and then tried to smile. The Agent really did know too much about her. She didn’t even know why she thought she could hide it from Bill. How could he see everything and her husband see so little? The tears started to brim in her eyes and she could not stop them from falling.

“I'm a fucking mess Bill.” She sobbed. “I'm falling apart. Help me, I can't do this alone.”

“You are going to be alright.” Bill wiped her tears away. “No more drinking and no more wallowing. I want you to call Kate and pour your heart out. Promise me?”

"I can pour my heart out to you." she said.

"Mrs. McGarry, I'm not supposed to..."

“I know." she cut him off. I promise to call Kate and I didn’t mean to call Sylvie a tattle. I'm sorry about that.”

“It’s alright. She knows you're upset; that’s why she called me. Do you want me to help you upstairs?”

CJ shook her head; she wanted to stay in the den for a while.

“I'm going to be alright.” She whispered.

“I know. You are stronger than you know, and there are so many people to help when it gets overwhelming. Everyone loves you so much. Sylvie is going to be right outside if you need anything. I will be around too.”

The Second Lady nodded, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime. It’s all part of the service here at the Naval Observatory Home for the Insane. William J. Grayson, head nut in charge."

CJ laughed.

“You did that on purpose. You wanted me to laugh.”

He did. She had been through so much these past seven months it was a wonder she hadn't had a nervous breakdown. Maybe that was what she was doing right now. Her behavior, a concern to those who loved her, was not unusual for someone dealing with all that she had. Bill smiled and left her alone. He told Sylvie she would be spared anymore loud music for the duration.

“Thank you sir. I owe you big.” She replied.

“I'm glad you feel that way. Five of us are relieved at midnight…pancakes are on you.”

“Yes sir.”

In the den, CJ finally turned off the song. She pushed random and skipped The Cure, Hall and Oates, and Elton John. She settled for Crowded House. Better Be Home Soon…that only seemed fitting. She grabbed her cell phone and dialed.

“Hello.”

“Did I wake you?”

“No. Claudia?”

“I need to talk to you…can you talk right now?”

“Of course. Where are you?”

“Home.” She laughed sadly. “No, I'm at the Naval Observatory.”

“Leo is gone again, isn’t he?”

“Australia. Tell me what you're doing tonight.”

“Well the kids are down and Jude is having a heavy love affair with the Discovery Channel. I was going to take a nice bath and call it a night. I have seminars in the morning. I'm so glad you called me though. We haven’t talked in a while.”

“Yeah, I…” her other line beeped. CJ looked at the display. “Oh Kate, I have to take this call. I'm sorry?”

“I understand. I will call you this weekend; we should talk. I love you Claudia.”

“I love you too. Bye. Hello.”

“Hey baby. I got your voicemail. I'm coming home.”

“When?”

“I'm on the plane right now. I think we really need to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Yes, you do. You want me to listen. I got your message loud and clear.”

“Leo, I'm so…I don’t even know. I can barely string together two sentences, I am so exhausted. And before you ask me, I am not on Valium. I need to tell you how much that pisses me off. I never ask you if you are on Valium when you have a shitty day. You of all people have no room to judge me for anything I've done Leo. I took it for a little while and that is the end of the story. It makes me angry that you don't trust me. Not everyone who takes Valium turns into an addict.”

“I'm sorry CJ. I only ask because I love you and your health and safety is my primary concern." he sighed. "Try to gather your thoughts. We will talk when I get there. Maybe we can take a drive; just the two of us.”

“When is the last time just the two of us did anything?” she asked.

“I know this new life is hard Claudia Jean. It is hard for me too. I want you to know that. And if you are not happy baby, neither am I. We can make this right, together.”

“We didn’t make this decision together.”

“I know. I know. But we did make the decision to try. Please, help me try.”

“I love you so much. It’s funny how I can love and hate you all in the same breath. And the feelings are equal in their intensity.”

“I'm just special that way I guess. I love you too CJ, and I cannot wait to get home and put my arms around you.”

“And listen?”

“Most definitely. You need to get some rest baby. I'm sure you've had a long evening. I will be there when you wake up.”

“That makes me smile.” she said. "I miss you and want you home with us."

“I love your smile. I can't wait to see it.”

“OK. I'm going to bed now.”

“Goodnight baby. Have sweet dreams.”

“Bye.”

CJ hung up her cell phone, taking a deep breath. This time she was successful at keeping the tears back. She turned off the music and left the den. Sylvie was right where she was supposed to be.

“I'm going to bed. The Vice-President will be home soon.”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Goodnight Sylvie. I'm sorry about the music tonight.”

“I understand Mrs. McGarry. We all have those days. I love Beyonce too.”

CJ smiled. She went upstairs and looked in on the children. Both Tim and Charlie were sound asleep. She kissed them gently, touching their little heads. Charlie stirred but didn’t wake. In her bedroom, CJ undressed and got into bed naked. Wrapped in the comforter, she cried herself to sleep. She missed her father and she missed her husband, but she missed herself the most.

***


End file.
